Take a break somewhere else.

I have an apology to make.  Kimbley, when I bought you that hand lotion, I was very surprised by your vehement rejection of it.  At first I had some ill-conceived notions that you were offended by such a feminine object.  Now I realized it was because I had the wrong flower.

I do apologize, Red Lotus Alchemist.  I promise it will never happen again.

I will also be sure to buy you the right kind of hand lotion next time.

((OOC: NSFW.  Probably. ))

I hate all of you.  The next ridiculous tournament you all decide to host, keep me out of it.  I don't care if you beg or whine anymore.  Damn you Winry.  You couldn't pay me enough to do that again.

Damn this head cold.

I've had a change of heart.

To those participating in the tournament, please don't get hurt. Don't get injured, don't break your bones, kick your shins in, let your head collide with walls or get crushed under a heavy pile of six burly, sweaty men. If I have to treat you, allow me to state now that I will make your life a living hell.

And to drive this point home, a small video.
( OOC Cut: He would like all of you to see how silly sports are. )
With love, your doctor for this damn tournament. <3

To those taking place in that god-awful tournament coming up: may you all fall on your heads and have some sense knocked into the areas of your gray-matter that are still functioning.  Though your choice of settling a dispute is admirable, I still think you're all fucking retarded.

And for godssake, have a med-kit or three somewhere near the field when it happens.  I don't know how sturdy you countries are but let's hope your physical manifestations suffering a broken bone or two won't affect your people unduly.

Kimbley, enjoy the My Little Pony.

Well.

Hunny, please don't kill me.

I lost it again.

(( OOC: Guess who's maaaarrieeeeed? 8D ))

I'm... no good with these sort of things personally. I'm honestly not. So I had them delivered, they probably aren't on time either but you'll have to deal with it.

• Winry Rockbell ((OOC: Cliched box of chocolates.))
• Kamina  ((OOC: A couple of heart shaped boxes of chocolate and a few hardcore gay porn vids with fake titles of action movies slapped over the labels.))
• My darlingly wonderful and precious Alchemist, Zolfkins.  ((OOC: You know Erica. 8D))

Expect something.
 
Also, the next jock I see I'm duck* taping his mouth shut before he can complain his back hurts or his arm's sore because his boxing partner was beating it.  I swear to god all those blows to the head permanently damages the IQ.

Edit: *helpfully pointed out by Edward Elric that being fucked by a sociopath ruins your intelligence, but it feels wonderful really.

Next time I'm on top.  At the very least, you're getting lessons because I only just now regained the ability to sit right.  Failure to comply is going to earn you a damn foot to the face and I mean that.

Winry, thank you for your demonstration this weekend.  It was very helpful despite the constant distractions.  As for you Kamina, I take it back.  After meeting your glorious self in person I find myself so incredibly attracted to you that I just wanted to run my hands down your torso, slip my hand around the perfect crests of your butt and squeeze.  I can just see you writhing under me as I ((OOC: insert very graphic and adjective abusing sentence of Umeda molesting Kamina here.  Censored for good taste.))

Also, Kimbley I found something that might be of interest to you.  Consider it a non-violent way to let off steam.  Book an afternoon off this week and come visit.

( Oh this was clever. )
Really, the creativity on the fanbase is astounding sometimes, I swear whoever made it might have actually used more than 0.05% of the average adult human brain capacity to come up with this.  Isn't it amazing what mankind can do?

On the offhand, I'm going to confess my inability to research other fandoms properly.  Rockbell-san, would you mind explaining to me some of the mechanics of Automail and how it works?  I just had a thought or two regarding the prosthetics in my own world and a possibility of improving them.

And Zolf, you're ordered to give some form of warning before you drop in next time.  I'm not picking up your tab again.

Getting this over and done with,

my name is Umeda Hokuto and I'm the doctor at Osaka Highschool in Tokyo.  I triple up as a psychologist and a substitute teacher when necessary and have a certificate in the practice of chiropractics as well.  With that out there, if really needed I can take a shot at examining anyone on here, but considering I'm not familiar with the mechanics of many of your worlds, it's not recommended.  It also doesn't make me think highly of your fandom.

With that wrapped up, I consider my responsibility to manners absolved.